Obama Prepares for Crucial Health Care Speech

Photo of Barack Hussein Hoover Muhammad bin Obama rehearsing before speaking to a
joint session of Congress on September 9, 2009.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Barack Hussein Hoover Muhammad bin Obama spent the majority of Tuesday and Wednesday this week preparing for his 28th scheduled speech on the issue of health care, to be broadcast Wednesday night, September 9, to a joint session of Congress.

The last time that a president addressed a joint session of Congress was consequent to the September 11 attacks on September 20, 2001.

While billed as a way to seize momentum as Congress returns to work after their summer hiatus (during which the stock market rocketed higher), officials at the major networks, scrambling to accommodate The Messiah's fifth major prime-time address in less than eight months as president, are suggesting that Obama simply accede to production of his own reality show. Insiders suggest that initial plans for "The Obamas" will be modeled on one of the original reality shows, "The Osbournes," which gave an insider's view of the home life of heavy metal artist and bat gourmand Ozzy Osbourne.

"We think that there will be a lot of similarities, which works for us," said an unnamed source at ABC, which recently ran a pre-recorded special plugging Obama's health-care socialization scheme. "For instance, it is well-known that Ozzy did a lot of drugs - so there's that angle. I mean, the health care angle... uhhhh, that similarity with Barack. And then of course, we expect there to be family dynamics issues, the whole 'strong woman really runs the house' theme, and the whole angle of there being a lot of indecipherable communication. Yeah, a lot of pointless rambling and people scratching their heads and asking, 'What the devil is he talking about?' - more than MTV had with Ozzy Osbourne."

Earlier in the day, Barack Hussein Hoover Muhammad bin Obama had devoted several hours to speech preparation.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs noted, "The President has been focusing more on the greater principles than the minutia of what he intends to say. He will really be prepared tonight. This may be the most crucial speech of his presidency thus far - or at least in the top 24." When asked to expand on the "great principles" Obama has been reviewing, Gibbs replied, "Well, I saw him skimming Oratory for Dummies."

White House officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, also reported that assorted teleprompters were being prepared for the address.

"We are aiming for a certain level of redundancy, just in case we have a teleprompter faint, as has happened numerous times. We'll have another teleprompter step right in and take over."

On background, officials have admitted that Obama's endless droning on about nothing is causing even his teleprompters to nod off in mid-speech. Those same officials promise that measures are being taken to ensure that tonight's speech contains, as one administration official put it, "more twists than that oh-so curvy, luscious, Sarah Palin. Wait - that tape recorder isn't ON is it? Van Jones? NO COMMENT!"

Though this will be a special "joint" session, Larry Sinclair is not expected to attend.